Happy To Influence – Toastmasters

I’ve been a member of a toastmasters club for several months now. I’ve made about 6 speeches and am almost finished with my competent communicators booklet (10 speeches) -still, I’ve got a lot to look forward too. This same time last year I had no idea what toastmasters was. When I finally figured out what toastmasters was, after reading about it on a blog, the first image that popped into my head was the support group from fightclub where Bob was giving Tyler Durden a big hug. Was toastmasters going to be like that? Oh god, is this going to be the cheesiest most embarrassing event I’ve ever signed up for!?

I decided to try it out anyway and see for myself – I’d just heard too many good things about it, I had to try. My first day at toastmasters came and went. I hadn’t made a speech during the first run, but I got to watch other people stutter and stammer over their words. It felt gratifying to know that I could go in, watch a meeting, and then decide I wasn’t interested after all. After agreeing with myself that I could benefit from the consist exposure to public speaking, I decided to fork out the cash (22 bux) and join.

Soon it was time for my first speech, The Icebreaker. Turns out, it was a super challenge to get up there and talk in front of a group of people – I could feel myself acting nervous, and that feeling would make me even more nervous! I was no better than the other people I had previously seen tripping over their words. But that’s why I was there – to feel those feelings and eventually get over them. It felt bad to know I had made a fool of myself in front of a bunch of strangers who I’d have to see again next week, but it felt great to know that I would eventually get over all of the nervousness that came with the anticipation of having to speak in public. It’s also helpful to know that pretty much every one in the club had already made a fool of themselves in front of me while I was an untouchable guest watching from the bleachers.

Six speeches in, I’m no longer a newbie and will talk it out with the best of them. Of course I still get nervous, but when I take the stage, I make my butterflies fly in line as I conduct the audience with confidence. All my focus is on embracing and entangling my audience so I often times just loose track of the nervousness, since that’s not my focus – a side effect to that is that I also often loose track of time, which gets me disqualified every now and then when it comes to voting for “best speaker” since we have time limits.

There’s a certain awesomeness one has to have in order to consistently deliver an outstanding formal speech, and although I’m not nearly close to that point, I am working to acquire that ability.  Meanwhile, I’ve learned to really enjoy the opportunity to talk to several people at once in presentation format. It is an opportunity, as a matter of fact. For me, it’s a chance to influence others in a positive way and possibly even help them out in their own lives. I can say that now, after looking back on my previous speeches, but initially I just wanted to speak better. Looking back on things, I’ve noticed that all of my speeches tend to talk about how we can improve our lives – yah know, the same kind of things that I talk about on this blog. The topics I talk about here are constantly reflected in my life.

Occasionally, I’ll get that feeling as if I’m in lecture mode too often. So rather than running from this idea of lecturing, I try to focus on talking about how doing this or that has helped my life out, or I talk about an experience that I’ve learned from and try to make my speeches more dynamic to involve the audience. If you look at other speeches made in the club, you’ll hear a lot of talk about politics, planes, memorable stories, interviews, poems, food, family and the like. But, though I’ve tried, I can’t seem to pull myself away from those motivational self-helpish topics. Sometimes I get self-conscious in a negative way and worry that I’m boring the audience with my ideas – ideas that they would probably laugh and scoff at had they seen it in book form on the self-help shelf at the local Barnes and Nobles. That kind of thinking definitely doesn’t help make the most of this opportunity.

After awhile, I began to think that I should stop trying to satisfy opinions that I’m only guessing my fellow toastmasters have, and should embrace my passion instead and just keep getting better at it. I had to dump all the negative thoughts out, put a face on them, and then counter them  just like I’d described in a previous post. I had to be just a little bit selfish and almost completely ignore what the audience may or may not think about my topics – these were just ideas in my own head after all, I hadn’t actually gone out and asked any of the club members if they liked my topics or not. So I persisted and gave my topics a little more passion and sincerity.

Last week I gave an eight minute speech. Though I was disqualified for going over my time limit (7 minutes 30 seconds), I could’ve gone even longer. Thankfully, as I love getting feedback, I was fortunate enough to have three separate evaluators for my speech. Each of them said that the speech was really passionate and I seemed to be really passionate about the topic I was talking about. That was music to my ears. I wasn’t exactly well prepared for the speaking part of my speech -I’d signed up at the last minute to give a speech since we were low on speakers- but, I knew my topic very well. I spoke about Unstoppable Passion.

During the evaluations, I saw different reactions to my speech. Some people loved my speech and wanted to hear more, other people liked the speech and wanted me to prove that I practice what I preach or encourage other people to do. I actually had one evaluator call me out. “I want to know how you follow your own advice.” Wow, I know that reaction. That’s the reaction I give when I think someone else is probably full of crap. Yes we all know that good advice, by itself, is good advice. But we also know that it’s hard to take advice from someone who does the complete opposite of they preach. If someone were to try to sell you a cheap watch, telling you how awesome the watch was and how it was top of the line, while they were wearing a completely different non-cheap watch, you’d probably be reluctant to buy what they were selling. “Why aren’t you wearing one of those watches?” That would probably be the first question you’d ask them.

While being evaluated, I was put on the spot. No longer was the evaluation about my speaking technique, my presence, my voice tone, or hand gestures. Now, everyone wanted to know if I was a fraud! How am I going to answer this persons plea for proof?

I asked myself the same question recently, but in a different context. How can I start a blog about “upthinking”, being positive and reaching goals, without having some sort of credibility or proof for my audience?

While I don’t think that it’s necessary to walk the walk in order to show other people how to get from point A to point B, I think I sleep better at night knowing that I have given someone else PROOF, knowing that I practice what I preach, knowing that I’ve set a good example for someone else to follow.

On the other hand, if I don’t personally follow the path that I basically suggest that others follow, I feel like a liar and a negative influence. Lets take religion or Christianity for an example: If I’m a Christian preaching about Christianity but doing non-Christian things in my free time, what kind of example does that leave for the potential Christians? Because of my own personal folly, I give the religion a bad name and a rotten taste to outsiders. No one is perfect, and we all screw up, but we need to realize that regardless of what we do or how we do something, we’re probably influencing someone somewhere out there.

Thankfully, as I had previously considered this question myself, I came up with some concrete evidence for a rebuttal to the question, “How do you follow your own advice.” In fact, while the evaluator was asking me that question, I had a smile on my face. I was smiling because I knew that I had then hooked the audience. I knew that I had influenced the audience past the point where my tone of voice, posture, hand gestures, and speaking techniques mattered. I hit a soft spot for that whole room.

This is good. It’s especially good since, in a couple of weeks, I’m going to give them a prepared speech which explains how I have recently and deliberately chose to live with an unstoppable passion for a particular goal(s), and have succeeded. I already knew that I had to “be the change that [I] want to see in the world”. Proof! I know that half my audience are skeptics to most of the things I talk about, but this solid proof will bring them back from skeptic land into a land of potential, a land where I can better provide positive influence.

I couldn’t begin to explain how gratifying it is to know you’ve influenced someone in a positive way. But, I can tell you that it’s an amazing feeling every. single. time. Before I left the toastmasters meeting, someone passed me a note saying that my speech had touched their heart and their mind. YES!!!! That is what I live for right there.

image credit: James Hoang

Ready For Death – Unstoppable Passion

Today, I saw a monarch butterfly. There were two lifeless leaves next to the butterfly – the butterfly, which seemed to be slightly wedged beneath the foot of a small plastic chair meant for a child, was dead. The two leaves were a pale brown. The butterfly was a vibrant and alluring color. Various shades of strong orange and deep blacks were spread across it. As I stood there for a moment, looking at the thing, I thought how sad it must be. How awful, for something so full of beauty and life to meet its end so bluntly, like an emotionless cause and effect, and in a way that doesn’t seem beautiful at all. How stifling. But butterflies aren’t the only thing that can die.

Have you ever seen a person die? Do you remember the moment where life seemed to be stolen, or taken back, from the person? Can you imagine witnessing such a moment, feeling that sharp stab to your chest, breaking your entire concept of life as you normally see it, bringing an abrupt awareness to what death is? Let me share my experience with you.

I watched a person die. It made me realize how short this seemingly lengthy series of events, which we call life, really is. Watching that person die, gasping and reaching out and even fighting for life, bore new unexpected feelings into my being. I watched … as those around stood there, just watching … with a sympathetic gaze; we could not help this person though we all wanted to. Death that day was not graceful, was not gentle, was not sudden or sympathetic. After the person had died, I reacted with the feeling that life was being stolen, robbed, taken from this person. I felt more angry than sad that this was happening. This was unfair. That feeling stood next to me for quite awhile, holding my hand, justifying my held back tears and muffled emotion. How awful, for a human being full of life and consciousness to meet their end so bluntly, like an emotionless cause and effect, and in a way that is not beautiful but is painful and teeming with agony.

We are similar to the butterfly that I saw today. The control over when and how we’re born and die is pretty much out of our hands.

I’ve learned some things from the event in the hospital. I have learned is that we should not expect to live for any self-predetermined amount of time. Every good and bad person, every one loved and hated, every religious and non-religious, every man woman and child should expect to die an agonizing and painful death at any moment.

The pain of dying will hurt for a time. You may scream, cry, kick, squirm, and shake. Accept that it will hurt a lot; know that it will not last forever and will pass. Get comfortable with the understanding of the pain involved in death; embrace it, accept it, expect it so that you will not fear it. The pain will not last forever, but our natural course is to live and then die.

I’ve also learned about is the sadness of losing a friend or a family member. The one thought, more than anything else, which shakes the center of my being is Were they ready to die? If the answer to that question were a consistent YES, then I would miss the person but be happy for them, knowing that they were ready. If the answer were to be NO, the feelings that could arise from that, hurt deeper than anything I know. There is a great pain in knowing or even assuming that your loved one or your friend had life taken violently from them when they were not ready.

But this side of the life spectrum, you will never know for certain whether or not another person was ready for death. We know that death can hurt, but the pain you might see on someone’s face when they are dying is no indication of whether or not they were ready for death. I can be mentally ready to take a bullet in the arm, but if I hadn’t told you that before hand, the pain on my face wont tell you one way or the other; such is death. The person who I saw die was gasping for breath, choking and reaching their hands out for life, but even from that I can’t say whether or not that person was ready for death. You see, death is usually a painful endeavor which no one naturally wants to go through. It hurts, and our body reacts, but the bodies reaction to pain is all science and can’t tell us for a fact if one person or another was ready for death in the moment that they died.

Looking at someone’s life history also will not tell you if a person was ready for death when they died. Physical actions do not prepare you for death, nor will a history of physical actions determine whether or not someone was prepared for death. Preparing for death is something that happens in your mind initially and has the potential to give birth to actions from there. For any definite answer to the question of whether or not someone was ready for death, you’d have to dig around into that persons mind to find the answers.

Knowing that I can not know brings me comfort, as well as understanding. From that, I understand that we are independent beings and should, for our own well being, recognize that we are independent beings. If we fall for the idea that we were dependent on each other, having a loved one pass away would then mean that a part of you has died. Don’t fall for that idea. Although you may feel like a part of you has died when a loved one passed away, your level of understanding and your acknowledgement that we are separate beings will bring you comfort.

That is why you and I have to let go of each other. Though we’re all friends and family, we need to understand that we do not control each other and we are really separate beings –that is, your consciousness does not belong to someone else, and no one else’s consciousness belongs to you.

Once you have let go of the fear of death and the fear of others dying, you have done something great for yourself. You have prepared yourself for the inevitable. Now, you no longer run from death and no longer hide from it.

After all of the fear is gone for your own death and the death of others, what’s left? The answer is a beautiful series of precious moments which we call life where we influence one another. Accepting death brings a completely new flavor to life and the actions you take. Your goals, ambitions, life’s purpose, and future happenings should all take a moment to consider the idea that death is where they’re headed.

Take a look at your goals for a second, if you’ve got them handy. What are your goals? For any one of your goals, ask the question “Why?” and then ask yourself “Would I die for this goal?”. Would I die for this goal. That’s a big question and it’s also probably one of the most important ones you should ask yourself.

It’s important to factor death into your goals because whatever it is that you desire, do, think, or [you name it] is going to be the same thing you’re doing, thinking, or [you name it] when you die. Would you be ok with being caught dead doing what you’re doing, thinking what you’re thinking, or [you name it]?

Lets say your top-level goal is to become a millionaire. If that’s your goal, ask yourself why and then ask yourself if you would die for that goal. Are you really willing to die in pursuit of that goal specifically? This is an entirely personal question that you would have to answer for yourself.

Lets look at your goals from another perspective: If a doctor told you that you have one week to live, would would your goals be the same? If not, why then wouldn’t your goals look the same? The only difference between having one week to live, and expecting to live for ninety years, is time. So would your goals change because you don’t have enough time? Let me tell you right now that, on this side of life, you will never have “enough time”, ever; just think about it, you could die before you get to the end of this post.

The point is this: When aiming for a long distance goal, it’s in your best interest to consider whether or not the pursuit of said goal is something which you would die for. After all, you may never reach your goal, but you will have this moment, right now and nothing else.

Understanding that brings about a richer experience to life and your interactions with those around you. The words you say to others no longer leave your lips without pleasure but instead tingle your tongue. The moments you spend with others become colorful and vibrant like the butterfly. Listening to another persons experience is now an enjoyable intimacy to be savored. No longer tedious, are the things which you do; they are now soul enriching and bring a rewarding sense of purpose to your every movement.

Imagine what kind of amazing things you could do if you did things that you were willing to be caught dead doing – what would happen if you did things that you were willing to die for? You’d be a fearless warrior! In addition to that, if you will start to do what you will die for, you will start to see a frenzied increase of excessive passion for what you do in this life.

This sort of passion is the strongest I know.